Dauphin

I don’t usually swerve off-topic and post stuff like this, but One Direction’s new video for their single Gotta Be You is just hilarious. Don’t for one minute take any of the following words seriously, but know that I wouldn’t listen to One Direction’s upcoming album if they paid me to do it. The video in full is here.

So it starts with the main heartthrob, Harry Styles, wearing a scarf that is too big for him in a manner that cannot possibly be keeping him warm. He seems to be standing outside some awful university halls of residence. The next five shots show all the lads, in various poses and outfits looking thoughtful.

Here’s the next chap; the only one anybody recognises is Harry, with his stupid haircut and bad scarf-typing skills. The new boy is in his bedroom, singing to his feet.

Here’s Harry again, the rogue. He’s left halls now, probably gone to buy some fags or curry powder. Bet they don’t show him at the till. The camerawork is strangely shoddy so far as well, it’s shaky and they’ve used odd angles.

This part makes the least sense of all; he’s running for a none-moving train that appears to be berthed in the yards. If he catches that, it’s not going anywhere for days. More importantly, it looks like a train from 1935.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT #1. A Mini Cooper, apparently on the A705 between Peebles and Edinburgh; it’s the scenic route. This is driven, we learn, by the only member of the band who looks old enough to apply for a provisional driving license. It appears all the band members are travelling to a discreet location, using various forms of transport. This could be an advert for dogging.

It’s bedroom boy. He’s one his way to the dogging meet, but he’s broken down. Instead of calling the AA, he’s singing in the middle of the road. Will he be run over, or will a lollipop lady save our postpubescant hero?

 

Our railcard devotee is reflecting in the bit between carriages. The train is not moving (told you so!) and, worringly, the carriage appears to be perpendicular to the tracks. So he might need an engineer or two to help him out with that conundrum.

All the members of the One Direction Dogging Trip 2011 have arrived, plus some girls! I don’t know if they were kidnapped out of shot, or if they live here like knitwear Amazons. And there is a massive fire. What a waste of wood, it’s not even nightfall. And they’re wearing unsuitable footwear. And Christ, that scarf is huge.

You can also see their discarded forms of transport; the Mini, the beat-up Citroen and the Vespa (Harry apparently drove to the loch on a scooter. We never saw any of them stop for petrol, though did we?

Trainspotter has cornered one of the natives. Christ knows how he got that train there, we’re told not to ask. The breakdown of the song features him propositioning her. He’s probably got his cock out, just out of shot. I’d also like to point out his stupid shirt; why has he only got the top button done up? That’s not a thing. Why can’t the two main stars of the band dress themselves, and why do the other ones dress like Blue Peter presenters!?

Singing, whilst pouting with those lipglossed puckers, in front of an unconvincing greenscreen loch. This really is cutting edge pop music.

Who’s setting off the fireworks? The roadies, of course. This dogging trip really has some infrastructure. Also, why is Curly Mop #2 pointing at the fireworks? Maybe his allocated partner for the evening’s bestial antics is short-sighted.

Again with the poor greenscreen; you’d think someone with that technology would learn to use layers correctly. Oh, and the camera is bobbing again, perhaps the cameraman’s hands were shaking with fear – the final singer is clearly about to devour his mate whole.

I’m done now, I promise. Well one more thing. The video doesn’t, in any way, match the lyrics or the tone of the song. I’m done… now.